All relationships, even wonderful loving ones, occasionally have moments of disagreement. During these times we may say something or hear something really hurtful. Have you ever experienced this? If you’re human, probably yes. It’s part of the human condition that we will occasionaly allow our closely-monitored “id” to emerge and blow our cover. I like the way Sidney Poitier, in his memoir “The Measure of a Man” refers to a moment where he said something mean to his mother as “the darker side of me emerged”. We all have this darker side, don’t we?
This being a fact of life as a human, how do we avoid these hurtful words? Or if we’ve let ourselves down by letting our darker side emerge, how can we recover ourselves and learn from the experience?
One thing that is helpful to remember is that we should never make a major decision while we are in a negative mind state. This can mean anything from angry, hurt, resentful, full of shame, despair, etc. These states of mind use so much energy that it is nearly impossible to be rational and to make a clear decision. Right after an argument is not the time to make a decision about the future of a relationship, for instance. More often than not, the decisions we make during these times lead to regret down the road. However, if we are patient and allow our emotional equilibrium to return we can use the resultant increased energy to step back and make an honest assessment of what happened and what (if anything) needs to be done. Most of the time if we make the choice of no decision during times of crisis we can make much better decisions. And often the thing that seemed so turbulent and insurmountable at the time is revealed to be just a small bump in the road. We always have a choice of when and how to react.
As a sensitive human being, I’ve always disagreed with the saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may never hurt me”. I’m sure everyone has a memory or two of when something someone said hurt so badly that they have never forgotten it. Words absolutely have immense power, they can harm or they can heal. A cruel word spoken during an argument can break a relationship, just as a kind word spoken with genuine love can mend or strengthen one. Which feels better? Again, we always have a choice about what we choose to say.
There will be times when we are incredibly angry at someone. There will be times when we feel so passionately about something that we want to force our opinion on someone else. And there will always be conflict of one type or another. But we can learn to step back emotionally during these times and make a genuine effort to understand the other person, just as we would want them to do for us. Each time we choose to use our words to heal instead of cause harm we change the world a tiny bit for the better.
